I don't know how to communicate with people. Memories of school weigh on me, that I was a nobody, that I constantly sat alone, was in the minority, and did not participate in any events. And now, I’m already 19, and I’m still there. I get lost when I’m with classmates, my thoughts are in a stupor, there’s a wild feeling of fear, I’m talking nonsense, my voice is quiet, my eyes are darting. I can't participate in discussions, I can't joke, I can't do anything!! I tried to fight it, but it was only violence against myself. Subconsciously, I am still afraid to communicate. I always feel like I'm a fucking stupid loser. The reflex to remain silent is triggered so as not to be noticed and start laughing like at school. I don't know what to do with this. I want to kill myself for this.
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Marina, age: 19 / 01/08/2013
Responses:
Hello!
oooh, how familiar your problems are to me, how
as if you are writing about me, only ten years old
prescription In general, I want to tell you that
problems of unsociability CAN be solved (on yourself
verified).
Judging by your text, you are smart and
sensitive person, and probably interesting
personality. And problems with communication - purely
"technical" (although it seems that
irresistible). You can simply learn this +
of course you need to solve the basic psychological
problems. Read good literature on this
topic + contact to a good psychologist, come through
several consultations.
Do you have friends? If yes, how are they lined up?
relationship with them? Are there people in society
whom you feel comfortable and
relaxed and forget about your problem?
Anke, age: 27 / 01/08/2013
Study, study and study again. Develop and train communication skills,
willpower, desire, and everything will be fine.
OLENA, age: 34 / 01/09/2013
I think you should take a course, like photography, cooking, or whatever interests you. People with similar interests will gather there, and it will be easier for you to communicate with them. The best thing, of course, it seems to me, is acting courses. Seriously, try what you have to lose.
Nat, age: 27 / 01/09/2013
Marina, the most effective thing is to undergo good training in communication skills. Because there you will not only learn how to communicate effectively, but also put what you learn into practice. In a comfortable, safe environment, among people like you, with the same goal as you - to learn to communicate.
The next way is to read psychological literature on communication and do exercises in your daily life. It’s also good, little by little you’ll introduce useful communication things into your life.
Marin, there are so many of us who either found it difficult to communicate, or still find it difficult to communicate to this day - oh, there are so many of us in this world. But this is a completely surmountable circumstance; you just need to not sit back and be afraid, but learn - step by step, gradually. That’s why there is a lot of literature on this topic, because the problem is common, search, read, learn and practice!
Nelly, age: ** / 01/09/2013
Marina, it seems to me that you demand too much from yourself from the first
step: easy and fun to communicate immediately with a large number new
people. This is already aerobatics in communication.
Start with the simplest things. Join the conversation for now
passively, that is, as simply an interested listener. Be in
topic, laugh if it’s funny, express approval if
agree with someone (just about, exactly, yeah, etc.), support
eye contact, learn not to bump into something of your own if
The conversation is at least a little interesting. Switch to yours
things to do if the topic is completely boring. Take a closer look at
classmates. They are different! Simply by actively listening to others,
You can learn a lot about everyone’s interests and character. If you
timid, you will feel calmer with people who are even, loyal, not
inclined to make fun of others, to judge. These are not on
usually in the first roles, but these are strong and good people. On the first
The roles are often “artists” who work for the public. They just love
a sharp joke, a mess, an affair. These are people of mood:
good - they will joke funny, bad - they will make someone laugh.
I advise that over time, after taking a closer look, you begin
communicate with one or two who will be pleasant in human terms
qualities. Offer to go to the buffet together or to get the necessary items
books, discuss the teacher.
It seems to me that it is pointless to try to take some place in
life of the group, to become “popular” or to win some
there is a reputation, as many want. It's important to be in a team
loyal, but not to imitate others. I don't have my own opinion
it needs to be hidden, it doesn’t need to be flaunted - the main thing is to HAVE it.
I think you will succeed.
Maybe you won’t become a leader and ringleader (most likely not
you will, but there’s nothing wrong with that!). However, having friends and
feel comfortable - of course, yes!
Elena Ordinary, age: 37 / 01/09/2013
Marina, you need to get into a relaxing environment. And study/work in it for some time. To a team where no one would offend or judge you. Universities often have such groups. Then your problems will probably go away. Don't give up. No one is offending you now? Did I understand correctly?
I am well aware of your condition. Read this link for the most recent comment.
And about the fact that you constantly feel like a failure, read this article
What else can I say... I advise many people here to go to the USA for the summer to work. To some small town on the coast. There are programs designed specifically for university students. Mostly students from countries go there Eastern Europe and Russia. I have many friends who traveled this way, including two sisters - a cousin, and this year a dear one. Everyone comes back with the words: it was the best summer of my life.
America in your case is what the doctor ordered. Firstly, about complexes. Americans are kind and naive, like children. There is absolutely no need to be afraid that you will do something wrong in front of the Americans. Europeans laugh at Americans, saying that they are very good. stupid. To tell the truth, this is true)) But I don’t think that this is a drawback. People just live, don’t worry and enjoy life. To give you such a vivid example... My sister and her friends once conducted a survey among Americans and began asking everyone: who is Charlie Chaplin. They asked all day. Nobody knew. There was only one person who answered that he was an actor. And then this person was their manager.
Americans are also very polite and friendly. Cashiers in stores there ask how you are doing, police officers wish you a good day... Americans are people with a lot of oddities, or rather, no complexes at all. There, no one will look at you askance even if you go to the pharmacy or to the cinema in pajamas. Who do they have there: full of fat people weighing under 200 kg, thin, tall, short... Indian taxi drivers driving around the city in turban hats, blacks with more than strange piercings, people with, to put it mildly, strange hairstyles ... people in ties and suits and at the same time with slippers on their feet... All this is the norm there. There are many disabled people in wheelchairs riding on the streets. Special for them parking spaces near shops, banks... And just try to park your car there. Handrails, ramps, wide entrances specially made for disabled people in supermarkets, banks, buses... everywhere. (In our country, a disabled person cannot even go outside. There are no conditions.)
Bulgarians, Romanians, etc. who come there to work are also very cheerful and friendly.
And they all love to walk and hang out. You won't be able to sit on the sidelines)). They will take you by the hand and drag you to the party.
Summer on the coast, working in a cafe, supermarket, on rides in an amusement park, on water attractions... in the company of such crazy Americans, Bulgarians, Romanians, etc., and not a trace will remain of your complexes.
Moreover, they are all “not indifferent” to European appearance. If the girl is light-skinned, then there will be increased attention to her (Russians are considered especially beautiful there), and if the girl is a blue-eyed blonde, then...
The Russians who come there are also usually good people. Dreamy. And this already says a lot.
Knowledge of the language is required at least at the most primitive level. My sister told me that there were Russians there who didn’t even know two words of English. The same Mex, Kazakhs, Bulgarians... And nothing, they work. And everything is OK with them. In big cities, there are signs on the metro in 5 languages, including Russian.
This, in short. Don't be discouraged. And read the links I gave.
Sunshine, age: *** / 01/09/2013
Marina, at school I also experienced problems in relationships with my classmates and over time I developed complexes. While I was at school I constantly felt inferior, although outside of school my relationships with my peers were normal. Having grown up, I realized that I was simply unlucky with my classmates and that it’s not about me, but about them. It’s in vain that you, Marina, dragged your complexes into adulthood. I’ll tell you a terrible secret: in this world, most people are busy with themselves, and not with others, so even if you say or do something... something stupid, then no one will pay attention to it. If you can’t be the life of the party, then don’t strive for it, try to establish relationships with a couple of people who, it seems to you, treat you favorably, and then by itself communication will begin. If you find yourself in an awkward situation, then you should be the first to laugh at yourself and then everything will go easier. Remember, everyone is busy with themselves and no one pays attention to your mistakes. You are fixated on yourself and your failures, but try to become interested in other people , talk to them about what worries them and problems in communication will disappear. Smile, be friendly and people will be drawn to you.
Marta, age: 39 / 01/09/2013
I offer you this article:
A person who lacks self-confidence makes a depressing impression: he looks like a piece of leaf blown by the wind. It seems that if you blow on him, he will fly away in his reasoning, in his confused voice, into unknown lands. It would be better for him to remain silent and remain unconvinced. To develop in the endless perspective that he sees or feels.
Self-doubt is a good sign. This indicates the sophistication of the individual, high internal resources. Of course, “bravery” is good for the outside world, but not for the inside. Timidity protects the inner world from disintegration into parts, prevents identification with the “powers of this world” who can destroy the soul with their infectious wickedness. In addition, self-confidence implies a certain full measure. In what?.. If a person is infinitely insufficient, then how can he be confident in himself? - and if he does not realize his inadequacy, then what is it, if not self-delusion?.. If the cause of self-confidence is self-delusion, then this is detriment to the soul. And nothing, no blessings in the world will make up for this loss.
You can breathe freely where there is air, but if it is stale, it is impossible to get rid of a suffocating cough. In the same way, the personality - she, embodied by the soul, feels where she is comfortable and where she is not. For a pious soul, a spiritual environment is needed like air, and where it is not there, it cannot communicate freely. And let the suffocating cough be obvious to everyone: it will be a signal of the soul’s irreconcilability with the situation. Therefore, if some are comfortable here, but others are not, perhaps your needs are different. And the reason for timidity and constraint is not always in internal, subjective qualities - sometimes there are objective reasons for this.
All this would not be worth saying if we did not say the main thing: the real feeling of being insufficient is the truth about yourself that should be treasured, not replaced with illusions. After all, even the most brilliant achievements will not mean perfection - and exaltation over people destroys a person’s soul in lies. Those who want to think a lot about themselves often feel their insufficiency, but not as information for information and help in working on themselves, but as a depressing factor, like a gravitating yoke and the “Sword of Damocles” hanging over their head. Thus, we must praise God for instances of recognizing our weakness and insufficiency - but this gift should not be transformed into an “inferiority complex.” The feeling of inferiority according to the interpretation of the world is a mental flaw, while in reality it is a blessing if a person does not strive to merge with the world in an impulse to be “one of”, but from loneliness and silence he knows how to endure what is valuable for his soul, learn spiritual contemplation and not tries to “overcome” the knowledge of his insufficiency.
A person who lacks self-confidence makes a depressing impression: he looks like a piece of leaf blown by the wind. It seems that if you blow on him, he will fly away in his reasoning, in his confused voice, into unknown lands. But if a person is full of his own dignity - not out of a sense of his importance, but out of humility and meekness before God, then even his silence is a gift and a meaningful message to the world.
Knowledgeable, age: 22 / 01/09/2013
It can be difficult to adopt a chatty style of communication at first, and then it can be difficult to get rid of the chatty style. Do you know what “self-esteem” is? - it lies in valuing the individual in oneself more than the social. Believe me, this is better: after all, communication is just a means of transmitting information, but there is no need to make it a means of transmitting information about yourself: how smart, sociable, sociable and happy you are. As soon as you stop wanting to assert yourself, you will lose the desire to be in those merry and cackling companies in which there is no semantic content or moral meaning. Do you want to be like those? lose your contemplative individuality? - well, then do everything like a carbon copy. If you become “one of”, you will lose yourself and then it will become very difficult to find yourself. Therefore, here is a piece of advice: start developing yourself for real, so that you have a rich inner world. Then you will no longer need, but they will need you. Do you know the personal aspirations of those you want to emulate? – what are they? How high are their morals? Is she spiritual? - if not, then it’s no good to ruin that remnant of your inner world to such vanity. Turn to the spiritual, the Truth and the only meaning of existence - and you will easily part with the unpleasant illusions of the world, one of which is your experience (haunting you since your youth) about the “lack of communication.” I wish you real happiness, and not fake happiness: you will find it too - with enough strength and perseverance.
God bless and preserve.
Interlocutor, age: - / 01/09/2013
Dear Marina, first try to communicate on simple neutral topics. For example: couples-teachers-session, music-movies, clothes-cosmetics. No one requires you to shine with eloquence and gush with jokes. Even if you talk nonsense, it’s okay, they won’t spread rot for such a trifle. Sometimes, nonsense can be cute and funny) The student environment is a different age group, a different contingent of people, a different cultural level, and the school doors have long been closed.
Alphard, age: 27 / 01/09/2013
Maybe you have social phobia, fear of society and people. You are not alone. Do you have any friends?
Dmitry, age: 20 / 01/09/2013
I have the same problem, only I understand why all this is happening to me. do you have friends?
Lilya, age: 20 / 10/18/2013
I had the same thing
but I just moved to another city and all this came to light, what the author writes
At first I lived in a rented apartment with a former classmate, but the thoughts of ending everything never stopped
I realized at some point that I NEEDED to move to a DORM, otherwise I would never be able to communicate with people, I would be forever alone and I wouldn’t be able to speak normally (because when they talked to me, I just had a panic attack and I couldn’t say anything
the hostel helped
all these problems were forgotten almost immediately (in fact, others appeared, for example with neighbors - one of them turned out to be a rare bitch
moved
but each time there was less and less fear of society
Now in 4th year. I still live in the same place - in a dorm
but everything gradually passes) hurray!
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Wet palms, a chill in the stomach, stuttering, confused speech, the desire to hide in a corner - if you are familiar with at least one of these sensations, then most likely you have problems communicating with strangers. But there are several effective ways overcoming the fear of communication, they will be discussed in this article.
website shares with you 8 tips with which you can eventually overcome self-doubt and easily make contact.
1. Play sports
Physical activity helps burn adrenaline, stimulates the production of serotonin, which means it improves your mood and helps you calm down. In addition, regular workouts will help you become healthier, stronger and tighten your figure if necessary, which will undoubtedly make you more confident.
2. Control your breathing
It is important to breathe slowly: inhale for 8 counts and exhale for 8 counts. This will even out your heart function and help you control your speech; you will no longer be choked with excitement.
Concentrating on counting to 8, and then to 8 again, pushes all anxious thoughts out of your head. And what seemed catastrophic just 16 seconds ago becomes a mere trifle. Such ambulance when you urgently need to recover.
3. Prepare ahead and don't prepare ahead.
There is no point in thinking through a certain model of behavior: you will never be able to predict what your interlocutor will say. Moreover, you should not conduct mental dialogues in the spirit of “he will tell me this, and I will answer him like this.” Everything will be exactly the opposite, and you will be in a stupor because your workpiece is not suitable. And for a spontaneous answer, you are too afraid of accidentally being rude or being wrong.
But it’s probably worth keeping a couple of questions about your favorite book or hobby in reserve. It would be even better to expand your horizons, study the news in order to be able to support a conversation on any topic. In any case, don’t hesitate and don’t be afraid to navigate the situation. After all, you didn’t grow up in the jungle and have an idea of the rules of behavior in society.
4. Don't rely on alcohol
Coffee and soda can aggravate anxiety and nervousness, and alcohol can take you into unknown distances. In addition, we have to communicate constantly; we can’t be “brave” with strong drinks every time. It won't take long to sleep like that.
5. Do something that seems scary to you.
Force yourself to at least sometimes communicate with strangers. For example, talk to a consultant in a store, rather than wander around for hours looking for what you need, stop a passerby and ask for directions, make an appointment with a doctor by phone. And don’t push away anyone who starts talking to you on the street.
6. Stop worrying about what others will think of you.
After all, it is this thought that is the source of all problems with speech, jokes and conversations with strangers, isn’t it? You don’t approach a store consultant because of fears like: “Can’t I figure it out on my own?”, “What if they offer me an expensive thing, I refuse, and he thinks I’m poor?”
Whatever your fevered brain can come up with, you just need to understand that others don’t think about you at all. So just do what you need to do: talk, joke, ask. Half a minute after a short contact with a stranger, they will forget about you. Unless you're a master of charm, of course.